I lost my mother last week, she was 56 yrs old. It was unexpected, it was cruel and it was unbearable. She died alone, her best friend was in another room asleep, alone in her bed. I do not know the cause of death. I only have a copy of a certificate that is telling me she is gone. It's empty and shallow, heartless and cold. 

Step by step I am entering a world unknown to me. Where is she? Here, There, In Between? Lost or Found? Happy or Sad? At Peace or In Fear? Those questions haunt me as a box stares back at me. I just want answers...silence is all I get.

Positive thoughts fill my mind as I wrestle with the truth. Denial tries to pin me when I am not looking, I fight back. Eventually, I will win the fight and closure will be at rest. I know that. Time...it takes time I am told.

I am living numb to the world as people give their condolences and speak to me in foreign references. They are just as lost as I am, not knowing what to say or how to feel. Its awkward and at times over the top. I smile and say "thanks" over and over again. I appreciate it, I really do, but enough is enough.

I thought I was prepared for this, the moment life ends. We are taught from a tender age that death is a part of our existence. It will come some day to us all. Expect it, make sure to live, but expect it. It is inevitable.

I was not ready, not ready at all. :(